Talking on The Train = Hitting on Her??

Dear Jazzy

I commute into Boston on the Worcester commuter rail and sometimes I like to strike up a conversation (or at least try to) with another passenger. It's a long way in and if both people are bored, why not? Right? Problem is I'd rather talk to women than men. I think I like the company of women more so than men. Problem is, the women think you are either a) a freak or b) trying to hit on them. First off, I am not a freak, at least I don't think so, and second I would never hit on anyone. Am I weird. Do women really think we are all trying to hit on them just because we happen to talk to them on the train. I don't think I'm infringing on their personal space, not that any of us have a lot on the train. It makes the ride much more enjoyable when you can share it with some good conversation and laughs with a new friend. Assuming they don't think you're a lonely, hard up, freak. lol What are you thoughts?

MBCR Guy

Oh dear MBCR,

Next thing you’ll say is you only want to have these talks with pretty women.

My question is – are you being honest to yourself about your intentions. If you can strike up “some good conversation and laughs with a new friend” why does it feel better if it’s a male or female? Good conversation is good conversation right? That is until you admit you want a little more than good conversation. Whether it’s the attention of the female counterpart by just knowing you still have “game” and you can still attract the opposite sex or that you simply aren’t going to explore other “options” that may arise with the same sex, therefore needing it to be the opposite given the chance opportunity strikes , you need to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with anyone else.
 
If you are just looking to have conversation with women on the train, leave it void of any flirting and touching. If you don’t want her to think you are hitting on her then on the onset of your communication: keep physical space between the two of you, don’t rub up on her when sitting down, don’t wink or google eye her. Don’t talk about relationships or dating, don’t talk about sex and don’t give her your phone number, business card or email. Of course, after you’ve built your confidence in this new found train friendship, clearly it’s your call to decide what you can talk about and do and feel confident she won’t think you’re hitting on her, or a freak. 

I take the train daily. I sit on the commuter rail for a total of 2 hours each day and have met plenty of men there. Do I think when a man sits next to me he is A. a freak or B. trying to hit on me? Not all the time. I’ve certainly met men who are hitting on me, who are invading my personal space, but it’s not all of them. Not every man that sits next to me and starts chatting me up is hitting on me. Like you said sometimes it’s just nice to have a conversation with someone on the train. Which by the way, there is nothing wrong with wanting to meet a potential mate and using the train as a means to do so, just keep in mind, a lot of people take the train to work each day. They spend hours on their commutes to and from work. Sometimes they like to use this time as a means to relax, get their “me” time before they get to the office or back home. Some people do their work, read books, listen to music, knit, etc. Be observant and mindful of this , for sometimes people will expect you to respect their boundaries and not interrupt them. It isn’t personal it just is what it is.

Also - you’d never hit on anyone? At some point in order to ask a woman out, it’s only inevitable. I’m not sure if you are single or not (if you aren’t then this question concerns me on many levels) but it sounds to me like you need to lighten up a bit and take a risk. Who cares if she thinks you’re a freak? Clearly then you won’t have much to talk about anyway. Sounds like you take yourself a little too seriously. Try to learn to laugh at yourself a bit.

I’ve been told I’m a little more open than most women in public when it comes to men, so I’d love to hear what some of my other commuting friends have to say about this.

I’d also love to hear back from you to find out if you’ve actually questioned your intentions :)

~Jazzy~

Seeking the Sexual Thrill, Addicted to Sex or Validating Defectiveness?

I am in a committed relationship with a woman whom I adore. I wish to spend the rest of my natural life with my partner. she compliments me in ways others never have. there is a problem, though. I’m addicted to deviant, sometimes dangerous sexual encounters with friends and strangers alike. I meet up with people at odd hours, I lie about my whereabouts to facilitate sexual encounters, I blow off important business to chase wild orgasms. I don’t know how to handle this unquenchable urge to chase kinky sex, other than submitting to it wholly. my partner isn't interested in most things I indulge in when seeking out these encounters, but I would not say that she does not satisfy me. that would be unfair, because she does indeed fulfill me. how do I deal with the voices beckoning me to pursue these unstable, unhealthy, self-defeating sexual liaisons? I do not want to endanger the relationship I have spent years building.
- Hornier than Thou

Dearest Hornier than Thou (but are you? Really.. lol),

You are in quite the predicament aren’t you?

My first thoughts: a couple of questions – after you have quenched your thirst for these behaviors, do you feel guilty, ashamed, is there a sense of remorse? Do you seek redemption? The way you acknowledge the “wrongness” of the situation and you question how to “deal” with the indulgences as to not ruing your relationship leads me to believe you do. If this is the case and you are being honest that your partner fulfils you then perhaps the real issue is that a part of you feels defective and you continue to seek validation. We feel comfortable knowing ourselves and doing the things that keep us insync with ourselves. Do I think someone can be addicted to sex? Maybe, but I think if that were the case, then you’d be ok with just your partner, even if she didn’t meet all of your sexual requirements. Where the addiction comes into play is probably more in the realm of your ramifications and feelings seeking and following said sexual acts. It sounds to me as if you are ready to fully give in to these feelings and compulsions, if you haven’t already. There is nothing wrong with living a healthy active sex life, nor having fantasies but when it starts to interfere with the rest of your life, putting you at risk of losing a major part of your life (partner, friends, respect, your own dignity), leaving you susceptible to disease and other health risks, opening the possibility of getting someone pregnant, and giving you more reason to feel “guilty”, then it is no longer healthy and something that is more dangerous than should be exhilarating.

There is also the possibility you are addicted to the thrill of it. Which could be very true. Unfortunately I don’t have much experience with thrill seeking haha.

I’d love to say “just don’t do it” – that’s a good answer, don’t submit, don’t give in. But my feelings are that if you took the time to ask for help, it’s a more serious issue that you’d like some honest answers to. And THAT is why I take the route I do with my advice below.

So, MY advice, and not trying to give you a cop out here, but I really suggest finding an expert to talk to. Someone who can walk through all the reasons you act out these fantasies at the risk of losing so much. Someone who can help you deal with these compulsions.

This is where I’d like to open it up to my friends and see if any of you can help our writer. I’d like to ask that you all give honest feedback and remember that some of our other friends might be dealing with similar feelings and that you can help a lot here. Do you think our writer is a sex addict? Do you think there’s more than meets the eye? Is the writer just a thrill seeker? What do you think our letter writer should do?

~Jazzy~

Am I Unfairly Giving Up My Life to Move or Am I Justified?

Dear Jazzy,

So my boyfriend and I have been toying with the notion of living together at some point. I love him and definitely see a future with him, but there are a couple of things that bother me about the whole "moving in" scenario and I don't know if maybe I'm just being crazy.

He owns a home, which is all well and good but it's total man-town for him and his boys. It's a very small place, and my son would get this tiny room that is right now an office, which to me is unfair, as his kids get a big room. Also the bathroom is disgusting and am pretty sure the board of health would err on my side with that one and even though HE had mentioned it needing badly to be re-done, MY mentioning of the same thing set him off.

I have lived on my own with my son since he was an infant and am very set in my ways. I am also a fan of compromising, so the fact that I am expected to be the one to drop everything, give up half of my belongings and my child’s to move into a home he once shared with someone else bothers me. My apartment is actually bigger than his house! Neither of us has the credit to purchase a new home together so I am in a huge pickle. I want a future with this man, but I also don't want to move an hour away from my life and family to accommodate what he wants.

Am I crazy for not wanting to be the only one who gives things up or are my feelings about this valid?

- Already Rooted

Dearest Already Rooted,

First – I apologize for not getting back to this sooner. I was locked out of my account where the questions are submitted and it took some finagling to get it to work. Now to your issue -

Do I think you’re crazy? No, not at all. You have valid concerns but I think it’s pretty short sighted to think you are the only one giving anything up. My initial reaction is that you aren’t ready to make this move yet. You don’t “have” to do anything. You don’t have to move in with him, you don’t have to give anything up, you don’t have to give your son a smaller room. That’s the point. I’m sure he has things that he thinks he is compromising as well. Such as his own personal space, his office, his right to have a disgustingly messy board of health unapproved bathroom, his man town and sharing his time with someone else’s son and being concerned with his own boys, etc.

If you really wanted to do this I don’t think those things you are giving up would really feel like sacrifices after all, more just minor inconveniences or obstacles that you can overcome. Because in the end you’re getting what you want and that should leave you more excited than bitter.

Kids are adaptable. Do his kids share a room? If so, then in reality the room isn’t as big as you think, and your son might be better off than you imagine. It can be exciting for him if you help it be. The bathroom, if it bothers you that much, you could fix it and clean it yourself– those two issues, solved.

You aren’t married yet, you don’t have kids together, i.e. you don’t have “real” obligations to each other. If you don’t have the money to buy together why not wait? If there is no real rush or need to move in together, maybe waiting isn’t a bad idea. That would also solve the issue of him having shared his house with someone else. This line bothers me the most out of your entire letter “but I also don’t want to move an hour away from my life and family to accommodate what he wants.” Don’t you want it too? Don’t you want to move in? Moving away from friends and family is hard, but an hour isn’t that big of a deal if you are in a situation that you are happy about. Clearly you aren’t.

You seem to be fixated with him getting everything he wants and you getting nothing. Then why move in? I’d draw up a list of the reasons you want to move in together and a list of why it doesn’t make sense. I’m not sure your question should be the one you’re asking vs. asking if you really do want this.

I’d advise you not to move in until you feel more comfortable with the situation or else you will resent him and be setting the relationship up for failure. If you thought he’d meet all your needs once moved in, I don’t think you’d be asking all these questions.

So again, are you crazy? No. But are you ready for this move? No.

Friends and readers, what do you think? Is our writer crazy or is she just not ready for this big move? Any other opinions?

- Jazzy -