Seeking the Sexual Thrill, Addicted to Sex or Validating Defectiveness?

I am in a committed relationship with a woman whom I adore. I wish to spend the rest of my natural life with my partner. she compliments me in ways others never have. there is a problem, though. I’m addicted to deviant, sometimes dangerous sexual encounters with friends and strangers alike. I meet up with people at odd hours, I lie about my whereabouts to facilitate sexual encounters, I blow off important business to chase wild orgasms. I don’t know how to handle this unquenchable urge to chase kinky sex, other than submitting to it wholly. my partner isn't interested in most things I indulge in when seeking out these encounters, but I would not say that she does not satisfy me. that would be unfair, because she does indeed fulfill me. how do I deal with the voices beckoning me to pursue these unstable, unhealthy, self-defeating sexual liaisons? I do not want to endanger the relationship I have spent years building.
- Hornier than Thou

Dearest Hornier than Thou (but are you? Really.. lol),

You are in quite the predicament aren’t you?

My first thoughts: a couple of questions – after you have quenched your thirst for these behaviors, do you feel guilty, ashamed, is there a sense of remorse? Do you seek redemption? The way you acknowledge the “wrongness” of the situation and you question how to “deal” with the indulgences as to not ruing your relationship leads me to believe you do. If this is the case and you are being honest that your partner fulfils you then perhaps the real issue is that a part of you feels defective and you continue to seek validation. We feel comfortable knowing ourselves and doing the things that keep us insync with ourselves. Do I think someone can be addicted to sex? Maybe, but I think if that were the case, then you’d be ok with just your partner, even if she didn’t meet all of your sexual requirements. Where the addiction comes into play is probably more in the realm of your ramifications and feelings seeking and following said sexual acts. It sounds to me as if you are ready to fully give in to these feelings and compulsions, if you haven’t already. There is nothing wrong with living a healthy active sex life, nor having fantasies but when it starts to interfere with the rest of your life, putting you at risk of losing a major part of your life (partner, friends, respect, your own dignity), leaving you susceptible to disease and other health risks, opening the possibility of getting someone pregnant, and giving you more reason to feel “guilty”, then it is no longer healthy and something that is more dangerous than should be exhilarating.

There is also the possibility you are addicted to the thrill of it. Which could be very true. Unfortunately I don’t have much experience with thrill seeking haha.

I’d love to say “just don’t do it” – that’s a good answer, don’t submit, don’t give in. But my feelings are that if you took the time to ask for help, it’s a more serious issue that you’d like some honest answers to. And THAT is why I take the route I do with my advice below.

So, MY advice, and not trying to give you a cop out here, but I really suggest finding an expert to talk to. Someone who can walk through all the reasons you act out these fantasies at the risk of losing so much. Someone who can help you deal with these compulsions.

This is where I’d like to open it up to my friends and see if any of you can help our writer. I’d like to ask that you all give honest feedback and remember that some of our other friends might be dealing with similar feelings and that you can help a lot here. Do you think our writer is a sex addict? Do you think there’s more than meets the eye? Is the writer just a thrill seeker? What do you think our letter writer should do?

~Jazzy~