Dear Jazzy,
So my boyfriend and I have been toying with the notion of living together at some point. I love him and definitely see a future with him, but there are a couple of things that bother me about the whole "moving in" scenario and I don't know if maybe I'm just being crazy.
He owns a home, which is all well and good but it's total man-town for him and his boys. It's a very small place, and my son would get this tiny room that is right now an office, which to me is unfair, as his kids get a big room. Also the bathroom is disgusting and am pretty sure the board of health would err on my side with that one and even though HE had mentioned it needing badly to be re-done, MY mentioning of the same thing set him off.
I have lived on my own with my son since he was an infant and am very set in my ways. I am also a fan of compromising, so the fact that I am expected to be the one to drop everything, give up half of my belongings and my child’s to move into a home he once shared with someone else bothers me. My apartment is actually bigger than his house! Neither of us has the credit to purchase a new home together so I am in a huge pickle. I want a future with this man, but I also don't want to move an hour away from my life and family to accommodate what he wants.
Am I crazy for not wanting to be the only one who gives things up or are my feelings about this valid?
- Already Rooted
Dearest Already Rooted,
First – I apologize for not getting back to this sooner. I was locked out of my account where the questions are submitted and it took some finagling to get it to work. Now to your issue -
Do I think you’re crazy? No, not at all. You have valid concerns but I think it’s pretty short sighted to think you are the only one giving anything up. My initial reaction is that you aren’t ready to make this move yet. You don’t “have” to do anything. You don’t have to move in with him, you don’t have to give anything up, you don’t have to give your son a smaller room. That’s the point. I’m sure he has things that he thinks he is compromising as well. Such as his own personal space, his office, his right to have a disgustingly messy board of health unapproved bathroom, his man town and sharing his time with someone else’s son and being concerned with his own boys, etc.
If you really wanted to do this I don’t think those things you are giving up would really feel like sacrifices after all, more just minor inconveniences or obstacles that you can overcome. Because in the end you’re getting what you want and that should leave you more excited than bitter.
Kids are adaptable. Do his kids share a room? If so, then in reality the room isn’t as big as you think, and your son might be better off than you imagine. It can be exciting for him if you help it be. The bathroom, if it bothers you that much, you could fix it and clean it yourself– those two issues, solved.
You aren’t married yet, you don’t have kids together, i.e. you don’t have “real” obligations to each other. If you don’t have the money to buy together why not wait? If there is no real rush or need to move in together, maybe waiting isn’t a bad idea. That would also solve the issue of him having shared his house with someone else. This line bothers me the most out of your entire letter “but I also don’t want to move an hour away from my life and family to accommodate what he wants.” Don’t you want it too? Don’t you want to move in? Moving away from friends and family is hard, but an hour isn’t that big of a deal if you are in a situation that you are happy about. Clearly you aren’t.
You seem to be fixated with him getting everything he wants and you getting nothing. Then why move in? I’d draw up a list of the reasons you want to move in together and a list of why it doesn’t make sense. I’m not sure your question should be the one you’re asking vs. asking if you really do want this.
I’d advise you not to move in until you feel more comfortable with the situation or else you will resent him and be setting the relationship up for failure. If you thought he’d meet all your needs once moved in, I don’t think you’d be asking all these questions.
So again, are you crazy? No. But are you ready for this move? No.
Friends and readers, what do you think? Is our writer crazy or is she just not ready for this big move? Any other opinions?
- Jazzy -
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To clarify...his kids have separate rooms. AND he lives so far away from where my job is it would take 2 hours to get there, one way. His job isn't a M-F 9-5 job so for him he has more flexibility to live farther away or closer. It's upsetting to me because he doesn't want his life to change. YES I get having myself and my son there would be a change, but no where near as drastic as uprooting all my stuff to move in with him. Maybe I am not ready, maybe I just don't like the situation. I don't know. But I don't feel as though he is giving up anything except gaining a live-in babysitter, booty and a housekeeper.
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing in. Question is - why do you want him to have to give anything up? I mean, if you truly love someone, you want them to be happy right? You don't WANT them to give something up, seems if this is the only way it's going to work for you two, then unfortunately it is you that is giving something up and you have the right to not accept if you think you're sacraficing too much. To want someone to give something up for the sake of not being the only one giving anything up, just seems troublesome to me.
ReplyDeleteFrom my perspective, you make it sound as if you are the one doing everything and he is doing nothing; is this truly the case? If this is then I would say stay where you are at as neither of you are ready for a commitment of such magnitude as living with one another. Something of this magnitude requires the work of two individuals working equally together to make it happen. Honestly, it seems from how you speak, you are giving up everything and living in a place smaller, messier, and a little chaotic compared to what you and your child are use to. Granted, uprooting and moving someplace else is chaotic to begin with, I just move myself and it is just me. You need to sit back and consider what is going to be best for you and your child over the long haul. You may be in love with this man, you may see a life with him, however, you are really having issues with this move so there seems to be some doubt somewhere in you else you would not be here hanging out this laundry.
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned you spoke to him about cleaning up and he went nuts, how about speaking to him about just renting a bigger place together, not buying, and taking the place he owns and renting it to someone or just leave it vacant for a while as you find out whether or not y'all can actually live together. To be honest, you may find the two of you may be the best of friends, lovers and all that jazz, in the end you may find out you cannot stand living with one another! I have been there, and have done that it can be a very interesting waters to test.
A good solid relationship requires communication and ya both will need to find a halfway point so one does not feel they are giving more then the other.
Valid and good points Whitz. I guess I couldn't get past the "I really just don't want to do this and am feeling forced" subliminal message that is seeping through this letter. And to be honest, I've been in this position. And though I think your points would be useful in a healthy relationship it sounds like this writer just wants to validate her reasons for not wanting to make the move.
ReplyDeleteWhich by the way, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to make the move, but be honest with yourself, it feels better in the end.
Thing is I DO want to live with him, if the situation was better I guess. I hate being away from him and the kids get along great. But a 4 hour round-trip commute to my job isn't exactly fair to me. Nor is shoving my kid in a room the size of a closet.
ReplyDeletehhm... What would you do differently then. Where would you put his kids so that it's fair to everyone. How would you make it fair for everyone? Maybe if you can go to him with solutions then it might help a little?
ReplyDeleteSounds like he's putting his kids first. I don't think anybody can fault him for that. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to live together, it just means he has clear priorities and he's realistic (in that you can't always have everything you want.)
ReplyDeleteSo if you really want it, Anonymous, it sounds like he's fine with it, so go ahead and be the one who gives up everything and move in. But if you're going to resent it, and it sounds like you will, then don't put 5 lives in a difficult situation. Either enjoy the status quo, wait until all the kids are grown, or just move on.
Life isn't fair. Life can be particularly unfair to divorced parents. Such is life.
Consider writing a list of 10 costs and 10 benefits to moving. Then assign a number between 1-10 for each of the items on your list to decide the value of importance of each one. 1 (not important) and 10 (highly important). Add up the numbers in each column and compare the two...the rest is up to you.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you view what he is gaining as "booty" and a "live-in babysitter" says to me that either you don't value what you offer him, or you think he doesn't value what you offer him. If it isn't more than that than I would say the relationship isn't worth it anyways.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing is how does the situation work if reversed. Granted your child would have a smaller room, but he would still have his own room. Does your apartment have two additional rooms for each of his kids? How much would he be inconvenienced commuting to work from where you live? She brings up a good point in that he is sacrificing his life, and his space, and offering you in to his home. Is it even a possibility for him and his children to live with you? The other aspect to consider in living together is the money you would be saving in rent. If you saved all the money you would be spending on rent and utilities for a year, maybe after a year you would have enough money for the two of you to get a new place together?
Just ideas and food for thought, but I think the underlying question is are you really sure this is the person you want to be with?
it has been my experience that if you can acknowledge that you are harboring resentment towards your spouse, you must act on and it sever the relationship. your verbiage strongly indicates that you should be actively seeking routes other than cohabitation with your SO.
ReplyDeleteI suspected my wife of cheating on me but I never had any proof. This went on for months, I didn't know what to do. i was so paranoid and decided to find a solution, i saw a recommendation about a private investigator and decided to contact him. I explained the situation about my wife to him and he said he was going to help me.I gave him all the informations he required and afterwards i received all my wife’s phones Text messages and calls, I was hurt when i saw a picture of my wife and her lover. I feel so bad about infidelity. but i am glad Mr james was able to help me get all this information, you can contact him via email(worldcyberhackers@gmail.com)
ReplyDelete