Dear Jazzy
I commute into Boston on the Worcester commuter rail and sometimes I like to strike up a conversation (or at least try to) with another passenger. It's a long way in and if both people are bored, why not? Right? Problem is I'd rather talk to women than men. I think I like the company of women more so than men. Problem is, the women think you are either a) a freak or b) trying to hit on them. First off, I am not a freak, at least I don't think so, and second I would never hit on anyone. Am I weird. Do women really think we are all trying to hit on them just because we happen to talk to them on the train. I don't think I'm infringing on their personal space, not that any of us have a lot on the train. It makes the ride much more enjoyable when you can share it with some good conversation and laughs with a new friend. Assuming they don't think you're a lonely, hard up, freak. lol What are you thoughts?
MBCR Guy
Oh dear MBCR,
Next thing you’ll say is you only want to have these talks with pretty women.
My question is – are you being honest to yourself about your intentions. If you can strike up “some good conversation and laughs with a new friend” why does it feel better if it’s a male or female? Good conversation is good conversation right? That is until you admit you want a little more than good conversation. Whether it’s the attention of the female counterpart by just knowing you still have “game” and you can still attract the opposite sex or that you simply aren’t going to explore other “options” that may arise with the same sex, therefore needing it to be the opposite given the chance opportunity strikes , you need to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with anyone else.
If you are just looking to have conversation with women on the train, leave it void of any flirting and touching. If you don’t want her to think you are hitting on her then on the onset of your communication: keep physical space between the two of you, don’t rub up on her when sitting down, don’t wink or google eye her. Don’t talk about relationships or dating, don’t talk about sex and don’t give her your phone number, business card or email. Of course, after you’ve built your confidence in this new found train friendship, clearly it’s your call to decide what you can talk about and do and feel confident she won’t think you’re hitting on her, or a freak.
I take the train daily. I sit on the commuter rail for a total of 2 hours each day and have met plenty of men there. Do I think when a man sits next to me he is A. a freak or B. trying to hit on me? Not all the time. I’ve certainly met men who are hitting on me, who are invading my personal space, but it’s not all of them. Not every man that sits next to me and starts chatting me up is hitting on me. Like you said sometimes it’s just nice to have a conversation with someone on the train. Which by the way, there is nothing wrong with wanting to meet a potential mate and using the train as a means to do so, just keep in mind, a lot of people take the train to work each day. They spend hours on their commutes to and from work. Sometimes they like to use this time as a means to relax, get their “me” time before they get to the office or back home. Some people do their work, read books, listen to music, knit, etc. Be observant and mindful of this , for sometimes people will expect you to respect their boundaries and not interrupt them. It isn’t personal it just is what it is.
Also - you’d never hit on anyone? At some point in order to ask a woman out, it’s only inevitable. I’m not sure if you are single or not (if you aren’t then this question concerns me on many levels) but it sounds to me like you need to lighten up a bit and take a risk. Who cares if she thinks you’re a freak? Clearly then you won’t have much to talk about anyway. Sounds like you take yourself a little too seriously. Try to learn to laugh at yourself a bit.
I’ve been told I’m a little more open than most women in public when it comes to men, so I’d love to hear what some of my other commuting friends have to say about this.
I’d also love to hear back from you to find out if you’ve actually questioned your intentions :)
~Jazzy~
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As a former female MBCR commuter, I've got to say that there's little difference between what I consider flirting on the train and what I consider flirting anywhere else. Jazzy hit some of the big "tells": touching, eying/ogglling, questionable conversations, etc. If your goal is to have a good conversation with a girl on the train, then just have the conversation and be aware of how your actions, body language, and words are coming together. Great conversation starters for the MBCR: terrible WiFi, awful speakers and announcements, commuting horror stories, and jerky conductors that no one can stand. They're all shared experiences that she'll be able to relate to and, at the same time, they're often entertaining conversations with conclusions (she can go back to reading her book after a few minutes without feeling uncomfortable herself).
ReplyDeleteBut sometimes, life isn't going to give you the opportunity to be completely "flirt-free," and you just need to be confident enough to put the boundaries back in place. If the train rocks and you lean over a bit hard on accident or if your foot touches hers under the table, just apologize and make a TASTEFUL joke about it. If you slip and start talking about your ex, laugh it off after you finish your sentence, shake it off, and move along. The more at ease you are, the less she'll think you're trying too hard to impress her.
And flirtation on the train isn't always bad. I think that sometimes it's just nice to know that a guy thinks that you're approachable/attractive/normal enough to talk to. It can be quite flattering.
So don't worry so much about freaking people out and offending them: just be friendly and real and you're likely to get the same in return. And really, if you step on a few toes (literally or figuratively) just find a new car and start over!
Excellent points Tori. I wanted to comment on the flattery of a good flirt myself, but my post was getting too long haha so I left it open to someone else. And sooo true about the tasteful joke should the flirt rock on :). Personally I'd rather flirt for 5 minutes than have full blown long conversations, but again, I tend to be alone in this arena, so I love that you've just added to my list of kick ass chics, which btw, I already knew you were :)
ReplyDeletembcr guy, do you know where you are? People around here don't talk to each other like that. Something that might be considered southern hospitality (or even just plain good manners) in another part of our country is considered annoying, intrusive and weird here in good old Mass.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, my opinion is that if you're not targeting women because you're hitting on them, then you're just targeting women because they're less likely to punch you.
Seriously, I have no idea how sincere you are, but my honest reaction is that you're either hitting on these women or you're just some babbling weirdo. And whether or not that's true, i think the vast majority of people will perceive you the same way.
I think Jillian is right on target when she suggests that people carry newspapers, books and ipods on the train because they don't want to interact with anybody. I suggest that the majority of people aren't on the train to have a nice chat. They're not there to meet you. And if you don't respect those expectations, the majority of the time you'll be perceived as either hitting on these women, or as a weirdo.
"Problem is, the women think you are either a) a freak or b) trying to hit on them"
ReplyDeleteWhich women? ALL women? Be careful not to overgeneralize.
Have you considered option c) just passing the time and enjoying pleasant conversation with another HUMAN?
as an expat masshole, i have to agree with what oldfashionedguy said.
ReplyDeleteAs an MBCR member, I'm one of those commuters who does not want to be talked to, nor do I want to hear other peoples conversations. I'm either reading or sleeping for the most part. Occasionally I'll have a few sentence conversation with someone, male or female, but it's rare, and short!
ReplyDeleteI'd also like to say, as a woman if someone talks to me, male or female, I don't automatically assume that I'm being hit on, or that the person is a freak. I just want to sleep, or read my book, and I'm annoyed that said person is invading on my personal time.
Jillian, and some posters, commented on your body language, but I would emplore you to pay attention to your fellow commuters body language. I usually make it pretty clear that I don't want to be talked to, and I imagine that most people do the same. If you take both sides into consideration I say your fine.
As I mentioned earlier, I also don't like listening to everyone else's conversations (especially in the morning when I'm trying to get a few more minutes of sleep), so just be aware of that, and I say you're good to go!
You gots an award on my page, go get it!
ReplyDeleteHey keep posting such good and meaningful articles.
ReplyDelete
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