Dear Jazzy,
I am in need of some advice and I was hoping you could help! I started online dating a few months ago and while it has been somewhat hit or miss, I was matched with a guy who looked great on paper. When we met in person though, I just did not feel a spark or a connection. As it was the first date, I wanted to be open-minded and thought it would be best to go out a few more times and get to know him better. We have since gone out on more dates and talked on the phone, but I still do not feel a connection. It has been hard to make and keep a conversation going and although we "matched" (in a database according to a standarized list of interests and surveys), I feel like we do not have that much in common. I should also mention there is a distance factor, he lives and works about an hour and half away so finding a place to meet in the middle has been hard. Also coordinating our work schedules has been difficult as well - he is off when I am working, I work when he is off and he travels frequently for his job.
So my question is…I do not really see this working out and I am now unsure how to end it. Is an email appropriate or should it be done over the phone or in person? I am afraid that in person and even on the phone I would be nervous and have a hard time getting my point across. I also do not know what to say - that I don't feel a connection or the distance/schedule factor? I have met someone else and we have hit it off great, but I do not know if that should even be brought up. Any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated!
- Boston Gal
Good Ol’ internet dating. I have a friend in a very similar situation. Being matched based on answering 25 generic questions, location and if you like cats or not. System is flawed, like most things.
Since your question was not about internet dating, I’ll leave it alone.
How do you say goodbye? Like you said, you can do this the easy way or the hard way. Doing it over email gives you the ability to avoid your own discomfort. It takes away from having to face that you are disappointing someone and no one wants that. It’ll be quick and easy. Honestly, I don’t think there’s that much wrong with this. Sounds like it’s been a short lived courtship and really if the conversation is that dry he might be thinning the same thing as you and maybe wishing he had an advice blog to write to and ask how to break it off :) haha
However, I actually suggest doing it the “hard” way. This won’t be the most difficult thing you have to do in life. Saying “goodbye” and “no” are basic skills needed in this lifetime. You’ll want to use them in many different and more difficult situations. Why not practice with someone that you don’t have feelings for; someone that might not even have feelings for you, thus making it easier than you suspect. It might prove to feel refreshing to talk to him about the reasons you don’t think it will work. Sometimes hearing yourself talk to someone also gives you clarity to your own thoughts and reasoning. You’ll learn how to deal with reactions that you might not be used to and ones that might take you by surprise. If you do this you’re also gaining respect from others as well as yourself.
Do I think you should go meet him and talk about this over dinner? No, doesn’t sound like the two of you were that serious. But I suggest trying it over the phone. Opening yourself up for a little awkward moment but realizing that it all it is. Stand firm. If he does shoot back that he was really interested in you (which he might, sometimes this is a true reaction and sometimes this is just someone who can’t deal with rejection so he will try to convince you not to leave him so soon) go with your gut and tell him you’re sorry, that you just don’t think it will work.
As far as what I think you should tell him, just be honest. It will leave you feeling good while also giving him due respect. Go with your gut and trust that he won’t fall apart if you break his heart, nor will you :)
Friends, do you think she should dump him via email, phone or in person?
~Jazzy~
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I'm a chicken so I would totally do it in an email. If you have no need or desire to talk to this person again then I don't see the harm.
ReplyDeleteJillian, excellent advice! Not much to add, except that I've always found it helpful to write it out first - in an email - to collect your thoughts. You could possibly send an email and then follow up with a phone call.
ReplyDeleteYour reasons sound valid to me. Just don't use the "friends" word. Guys hate that.
Hey Boston Gal,
ReplyDeleteInternet dating is very tricky, I've personally tried it all at some point or another, and made similar mistakes. I think part of this, is you should trust your first instinct more. I first tried it, and never got past a first date. I decided maybe I wasn't being fair, wasn't giving people a shot. A few times I decided that even though I wasn't feeling it, I would give the girl a few more dates. Never once did I change my mind about how I felt that first date. All it did is make it more difficult to call it off, than it would have after the first date. So trust you're instincts.
Speaking as a guy, I find meeting up, to break it off, rarely works with young relationships. Do you make a plan like any other night, and just spring it on him when he gets there? Do you awkwardly tell him that you want to get together so you can talk? What an uncomfortable night that would be. Any way you did it would be cruel, awkward or some miserable combination of the two, for both of you.
I like the idea of a phone call more than an email. I think people do deserve the courtesy of a two way conversation. Although I'd try my best to keep it short and sweet. Don't get too into answering questions about why, or what could have gone different. As someone who has been on both sides of this coin (as I'm sure most of us have), I always have a ton of questions when a girl calls it off. Yet, the answers don't really matter, and never help anyone feel better. One question just leads to another, which gives the person more to think about, which just means whatever hurt there is, will linger a little longer. Tell him you just don't see it working out, maybe admit the distance is part of it, but for the most part avoid any specifics, wish him luck, and try to get off the phone without saying too much more.
Leave the other guy out of it. Its never about the other guy (or girl). Remember, if you're open to meeting someone else, is just another sign that its not working with whoever you're currently with.
Good Luck!
I would do it by phone, if you are not emotionally invested and have only gone out a few times, I would think a phone call stating that it's just not working and that the distance isn't easy for you, but that you think he's a nice guy blah blah and wish him luck/well should suffice.
ReplyDeleteBeing a guy, and someone who has been on both sides of this dilemma, I would say an email is fine. After all, it's internet dating. It's a little impersonal anyway and it's only been a couple of dates. I'm sure this guy is picking up on the "lack of spark", he won't be that surprised or upset (hopefully).
ReplyDeleteI have been on the side of dumping via an e-mail, and I got railroaded for it. The handful of people I talked to after the fact told me how awful it was that I did it and I felt terrible. Granted I am a guy, and I think that might have played somewhat of a role in it. Since then I have at least picked up the phone and done it that way. It is a little more difficult, however Jazzy is right, it does help you deal with other things in life, and while it might be difficult it is all around for the better. I'd say where it doesn't seem that serious a face to face meeting isn't necessary at all.
ReplyDeleteIf you are comfortable I say pick up the phone and make a call. I would leave the other person out of it because at the end of the day the phone call is about the lack of a connection between you and him, not about a good connection with you and someone else.
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ReplyDeleteI agree with Jill; after 3 or 4 dates, either an email or a phone call is appropriate. Maybe even say in the email that he can call you if he wants to talk about it further (though you'd have to word that carefully to make sure there's no ambiguity about how you feel.)
ReplyDeleteI think we've probably all been in a situation like this, where we've dated somebody nice a few times, just to see if anything would develop. From my experience, he probably agrees with you (that it isn't happening) and won't mind the breakup email or call.
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