Dear Jazzy,
So I am dating a great guy. We are the male/female equivalent of each other. Both sarcastic, both constantly lovingly making fun of each other. WE get it. However, his family apparently has not a humorous bone in their bodies because I am constantly being compared negatively to his Evil Ex-wife who berated and belittled him all the time. Now I never say anything mean, never am vindictive and the worst possible thing I call him, usually laughing is a Jackass (and usually when he is being one mind you). I was the one there for him and his kids through his divorce, I have been there for him and supporting him for years. So why the hell am I stuck having to defend myself or being asked to tone down who I am, and who he supposedly fell in love with, to his family because they don't have the intelligent where-with-all to understand sarcasm? - Not the Ex B*tch
Dear Miss B*tchy :)
Sarcasm is hard for most people to swallow. I think if you are on the same level it can be ok but I also think there is a fine line between fun sarcasm and a hidden truth in there.
Sometimes the best thing to do is figure out what is really going on. What is at the bottom of the issue. Maybe if you ask yourself, or hell even him, why his family is really sensitive to the sarcasm it can bring some clarity for you.
Perhaps his ex wife was super sarcastic. Maybe some of the things that you are sarcastic about are the same things he was overly sensitive about with his ex. But because he is confident you mean it in jest, he is completely fine with it. They could be concerned your sarcasm is triggering hurt feelings for him. Maybe this is a pattern that he and his ex started on and they are worried it’ll go down that road again.
Do I think that you shouldn’t worry about what they say? No, because it does matter. It’s his family, people are lying when they say it doesn’t. But I also think it’s his responsibility to make it clear to his family that you make him happy and that he is happy and fine with the sarcasm (have you had a heart to heat with him, is he infact ok with the level of sarcasm you share?). If he is the one asking you to tone it down, maybe the problem lies there and not with his family. Maybe his family is seeing things that you don’t. He could be trying to be tough for you out of fear that it emasculates him in your eyes if he says you are too sarcastic.
With sarcasm I say err on the side of caution as it can be misconstrued so many different ways. Honestly, I think having a heart to heart with him about it and asking him to “tone” his family’s fear down is a good start. If it’s your natural personality, he’s known that all along, I’m not so sure I’d say YOU need to tone it down.
Also – you say you were there for him through the divorce, supporting him for years, etc. do you think there is a possibility his family thinks you played a part in his previous relationship’s demise?
Friends, what do you think? Do you think our writer should tone down her sarcasm? Or do you think her man should ask her family to trust that he’s happy and ok with the sarcasm? Do you think it’s deeper than the sarcasm?
~Jazzy~
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
To clarify....the divorce was before I knew him, however he had been my best friend for years before we dated, which has only been a few months.
ReplyDeleteI think his family is afraid that the sarcasm will turn into the mean evil nastiness that his ex-wife was full of, however I don't have that bone in my body so thus is makes me mad and not want to be around his family at all since they are too quick to judge and compare it seems.
And he and I HAVE had a heart-to-heart about it, and he knows they are "overly sensitive" and "protective" blah blah blah. What he doesn't seem to see is how its affecting me. UGH
My advice would be to take a step back next time you visit the family, and be more of an observer than a focal part of conversations (i'm not saying be a mute, but stay at arms length a little bit). I think this would accomplish a few things for you, and hopefully provide you with some sort of direction.
ReplyDeleteIf you're a little less involved you probably won't get into those sarcastic ball busting situations, which hopefully will lead to a conflict free visit. I'm not saying turn into a wall flower whenever you're around them, but observing for a little while will help I think. Pay close attention to his interactions with his family, especially when he's in a conversation seperate from you. Is he as sarcastic when he's not with your? It's not uncommon and somewhat normal for people to be more reserved their family. If this is the case, and they only see this sarcastic side of him when two of you are giving it back and forth to each other, it could look at lot more like a conflict to them if they're not used to seeing him like that.
We all know its important to be yourself, and if you're not yourself than things aren't going to work in the long term anyhow. That said, different things are approriate at different times. Sometimes the right thing to do is to tone down your own personality a little bit. Not change it, but just turn it down a notch or so and try to fit in with their normal family dynamic.
If that's not the case, and their normally a loud boisterous family, and they simply don't like you busting their baby's balls...well then good luck, because you're in a tough position.
He will bust on me in front of them like nothing has changed...that's part of the problem, it's on MY end he is asking to tone down.
ReplyDeleteThey are a boistrous family and they are WAY too involved in his personal life if you ask me. Like his mom calls him more than 5 times a day...
I am very close to my family, I get it, but we are ALL very sarcastic. Joking, etc. Nothing has ever been said out of malice. I could get it if there was, but when he continues to act the same and expects me to act different so his family will "like me" I get pissed.
They can like me or not, I could give a rats ass, but I don't think I should be asked to change when I am who he fell in love with, as I am.
I don't think you should change who you are, just how you go about things. I think Logicallunacy makes some valid points. Try being an observer for a bit. I agree that there is a time and place for everything.
ReplyDeleteWhen I'm with my boyfriend's family, I am reserved and quiet. Because THEY are reserved and quiet. I want things to be comfortable for him just as much as I want to be comfortable. There is less tension when I modify my behavior than when I don't. I don't think I'm changing who I am, just tweaking things. It's not like you are with them ALL the time, so while you are, just try to tweak some things.
If his family isn't reserved and quiet, I think you have every right to be frustrated with the situation. It sounds like under normal circumstances you'd fit right in with them.
ReplyDeleteI think you started to hit on it in your most recently reply though. The problem is as much about him, as it is his family. If his mother is calling daily, and has too much sway in his love life, than he needs to recognize that's a problem and set some boundaries, and he needs to do so clearly or else he's giving some credence to their opinion.
Also if mom is really calling 5 times a day, i think there's bigger issues here. It may have nothing to do with you. Sounds like she doesn't want any other woman to be the main woman in his life. He's gotta squash that before he's ever able to have a happy healthy relationship.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI think you just may be a bit too abrasive for your own good, sweetheart. Sounds like your sarcasm is way too precious for you to be toned down a little... have you ever considered that you leverage your own sarcasm as a veiled attempt to feel good about your own lack of sensitivity and, well, general perceptiveness?
ReplyDeleteI don't think his family is all that wrong. After all the boy in question has a history of getting attached with emotional abuser (read: narcissists). I have an inkling, and correct me if I am wrong, but he is just repeating history with you.
:)
While I think that sacrifices are a part of any relationship, I don't think it's right for someone to ask for something they won't do themselves. If he continues to be sarcastic with you in front of his parents but as asked you not to be then he needs to help the situation. A relationship needs to be a two way street in order for it to function.
ReplyDeleteI am also in total agreement that his mom is WAYYYYYY to in to his life if she is calling him 5 times a day. At some point it is time to cut the cord and have your own life.
Sarcasm: from the greek word to tear flesh. Isn't that a nice idea? With our words, we tear flesh. That's a very odd double standard he's imposing on you. And I'm assuming you've had a calm, rational talk with him about this. If he can't see that it's an issue, it may sound like his families mentality might not be only theirs, it might be his, too. I'd say talk with him about how unfair his request is, and as what he'd do if the roles were reversed.
ReplyDelete