So my husband travels A LOT for work. I adore my husband and miss him like crazy when he is gone. I am almost 30 years old and have a 3 year old son that is with me all day (I am a stay at home mom) but when evening comes I just get so lonely.
Does anyone have good words of advice or suggestions on what to do to fill my time while he is away? I try my best to be really supportive of him because he is just working to provide for our family. I am just curious of how others have dealt with husbands/partners that travel?
Lonely Being Alone
Dearest Lonely Being Alone -
First of all, I don’t know how you do it. That’s enough to drive an insane woman to drink :)
But – in all seriousness,
Being a stay at home Mom while your husband travels can be limiting on your social life I’m sure. I don't know if you have the ability/money to find a sitter for one night a week but I would suggest even trying that. One night a week shared with others who hold the same interest as you would make a huge difference in your feelings of lonesome. You have to take time for yourself else resentment could set in and then even your best efforts of support will wean out and everyone will be miserable.
Assuming you can find some time to free yourself from the little one here are a couple of tips :
1. Ask yourself what your interests are. Do they involve others (i.e. playing a competitive sport or board games) or do they further isolate you (gardening, scrapbooking or watching tv)?
a. If the answer involves others, then maybe go to your local gym and try to find people who want to play a game of tennis or ping pong with you, try looking for town sponsored softball games that you can join in on
b. If you enjoy activities that tend to be more solitary maybe you can start a focus group or an interest group on those subjects. Try starting a book club, that way you can do what you enjoy and share your experiences with others. There are plenty of websites you can Google on how to start book clubs in your local area. Try taking some sewing or cooking classes, you may develop some long lasting friendships through this. Leave your house at night and hit the yoga club down the street and after you’ve done your exercise ask a friend to grab a cup of coffee or even a beer!
If you find you can’t get a sitter you can always try to do these things at your own house. Nice days are coming and I’m sure if you did some local searches you might find other stay at home mothers who would love to get together (with or without the kids) and chat about common interests. You could have cookouts and wine tastings all while enjoying the company of others.
Most of all : It’s extremely important to make sure your needs are being met as well as your husband and child’s needs are. You can’t be the rock all the time it’s ok to admit you get lonely and it’s even more ok to do something about it.
What can some of my other friends who live a similar life offer this pseudo single mom during times her husband travels? What about some of you that just have fantastic ideas?
~Jazzy~
Keep your nights busy busy!! Check out a new show you have never seen and that look interesting and rent the season(keep you busy for awhile!) Or maybe use that time to call up friends you don't get to chat with very often :)Think about learning a new hobby (I have been considering taking up knitting to fill my nights lol) I am also a big fan of reading and search words to fill up my time. All these suggestions can only fill up so much time before becoming boring, so try to mix it up :) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteWell, I am not a wife nor a mother, but I do know what it is like to feel lonely sometimes :) It must be very difficult to have your spouse travel, as I am sure you must miss the adult time and conversations at the end of the day when your little guy goes to sleep. Do you have family close by? Would it be possible to invite them over for dinner or go to their house for an evening while your husband is away? Perhaps someone in the family could be used as a babysitter (family is usually free!) and you can go out for a night with some friends?
ReplyDeleteThe gym or yoga, etc are very good suggestions as well. You can meet new people (if you want) and exercise is a great way to boost your emotional spirits.
Another suggestion, and perhaps a somewhat lame one, but after your son goes to bed, you could cozy up with a good book and get lost in a story about another person in another time or place. Even some of those "chick lit" novels can be very entertaining and are an easy read. This goes along with the book club suggestion, which is also a great idea.
When your husband comes home from his trips, maybe you could have a specific night out for just the two of you. I am sure he misses you too and even though it may not help while he is gone, it would give you something to look forward to.
I think one question you need to ask yourself is, "what are you lonely for?" Is it physical touch? Emotions? Conversation? Activity? Once you know exactly what it is that you are missing, then you can begin the process of fixing it.
ReplyDeleteWhile it's clear you miss your husband, make sure to keep others active in your life as well. Just because he comes home doesn't mean you need to devote all of your time to him. When you find something you enjoy doing, make sure you keep doing it and that is becomes a regular part of your life. If not you could just fall back in to the lonely cycle.
From what I have heard Meetup.com is a great suggestion if you are looking to physically get together with people. If you are more introverted maybe try playing chess, or trivia online with someone. It gives you a game to play, while still allowing you to interact with a person.
Most of all, make sure you talk to him about it. Personally I can say that every time I feel like my significant other misses me, or I miss her, I get even more excited at the thought of seeing her and try to make the most of the time I get to spend with her.
There is a quote from Osho that I love:
ReplyDelete"The capacity to love, is the capacity to be alone...The solo flute player, knows how to enjoy his flute alone. And if he goes and finds a solo tabla player, they both will enjoy being together and to create harmony between the flute and the tabla."- Osho
I'm in a long-distance relationship. The love of my life lives 3000 miles away and we have maintained a loving relationship with each other for over 4 years.
ReplyDeleteWe see each about every 2 months, for a period of 2 weeks. We talk on the phone every night and sometimes I feel like we are even closer and more intimate than couples that live together.
We communicate and resonate with each other so deeply that makes it possible to actually feel what the other is feeling at any given time.
We are one and distance does not separate us.
Sure I miss him and it can get lonely, but that's when I roll up my sleeves and get really busy. As the saying goes "In times of trouble, chop wood and carry water."
Most of our problems arise from thinking too much.
I managed okay for about 5 years, but eventually all those long lonely nights killed the marriage, and we divorced. We simply became strangers to each other over time.
ReplyDeletePersonally? I would suggest that you heed your feelings on this and work hard to get your husband a different job that doesn't require so much travel. I realize that given this economy that may not be all that easy, but it's easier than a divorce. Your feelings are telling you that you crave your husband's company and it's what makes your marriage work. Without it, your marriage is suffering. Sure, other people may relish the alone-time and independence - but that's not you. This doesn't make you weak or wrong. It is what it is.
Jillian, unfortunately, and in my experience, many of your suggestions aren't going to work for a stay-at-home mom of a young child. Babysitters are prohibitively expensive. You can't drag a 3-year old around at night for social events and clubs. And other stay-at-home moms will be using those hours enjoying adult time with their husbands. Socializing virtually via Facebook and similar may work, but also sets up the right conditions for an affair to flourish.
valid points: "Babysitters are prohibitively expensive." I guess the days of paying a 15 year old neighbor $6 an hour are gone or even having a family member help out a bit in place of doing other favors. I disagree about Facebook, I think anything and anywhere in life sets up options for affairs. Just because it happens to some doesn't mean it happens to all. But I understand the sensitivity around it.
ReplyDeleteAlso - I wasn't suggesting she take her 3 year old to the next hiphop night at the club. ;)
I think I was just having a really bad night the night I wrote this question. I am normally just fine and my only issue is missing my hubby and wishing I had some help with my little guy.
ReplyDeleteWe have a special needs child so that comes with some difficult times and he is just such an amazing support system for me that when he is gone I realized how selfish I am, wanting him ALWAYS around. I just need to think about how things used to be with men going out to work being gone for months at a time or even now for those with husbands in the military.
The idea of a new job is just NOT a good one for our family. He LOVES his job (something most people never have) and has SO much potential.
I am willing at this point in my life to make sacrifices so that our life will be better in the future. Again, I think I was having a bad night.
We communicate all the time by phone and Skype I am just selfish and get bored way too easy!!!
Thank you everyone for the suggestions that you have had, they are great.
Thanks
Lonely Mommy
Dear Lonely Mommy
ReplyDeleteNo need for rationalization. You WERE having a lonely night. But it's not the only lonely night you will have or have had. If it happens less than often then maybe use some of the ideas above (reading a book, playing online) as ways to distract your inner daemons from coming out to play. Be honest with yourself and don't feel bad for having these feelings.
We all get lonely and we get lonely for our own reasons. I think remaining supportive of your husband while still being able to cater to your own needs is important. Don't skimp out on yourself, even if it was only a bad night :)
I guess I was just starting to feel bad that I spend so much of my time on the computer or watching TV.
ReplyDeleteYou hear of all these people who NEVER watch TV or only spend limited time on the computer so they can get more productive things done...I guess.
Its good to get feedback and suggestions that don't make me feel so guilty about the things I am filling my time with.
I totally understand. My husband works nights and I only get to see him on the weekend, or if I work from home. It is lonley. I often use food to comfort me which leads to all other kinds of issues for us. I'm like you in that having him find another job is not ever going to happen. So, I've tried to find other things to fill the void. I started playing in a golf league during the summer and this year a Volleyball league in the spring. While I really do enjoy it, it's not a substitue. Unfortunatly, I don't have any new suggestions, but just wanted to say I do understand. It's really tough sometimes...
ReplyDeleteI am in the same boat as you. My wife works out of town Mon-Thu. I am a stay at home dad with 6 year old twins. I am in charge of all duties of the house including financial, cleaning, everything. When she comes home Thu or Fri nights, she is tired most of the time. Sometimes we do stuff together, but more and more lately it seems we don't. She's too tired to do anything during the weekend. I too know she provides good for us, but I am going insane with not many breaks. The time they are in school I try to get all the house work done.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I am lucky to get an hour to myself when she is home, but not often.
It's super stressful!
Oh my goodness, it is so good to hear from a man in the same situation as all us gals! I have 4 kids 7 and younger. I have been alone for way to much of my 8 yr marriage. I sometimes find myself believing that somehow my husband would do a better job at this stay at home life than I do, simply because he is wired differently. I can see that isn't necessarily true.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I do pretty well with the lifestyle. I am finding however, that it is getting more and more played out each day. I find myself having a hard time finding the energy or motivation to do much. Why does leaving the house feel like a mountain to climb? I have had invites to go to a few activities with friends (kids welcome) and although I know I need to go to maintain some level of sanity, I usually don't go because it just feels so huge.
Wow, I thought I was the only one who sometimes feels like going to a bday party or some other function is huge. I am a stay at home since 2007 and yes it is getting played out. My husband is out of town a lot for work also. I try to keep busy but it always feels as if something is missing. Him...
ReplyDeleteI have had an incredibly hard time lately. Mine travels for a week or so at a time, I have three small children, 6,4,1 and I am pregnant with the fourth. I don't go anywhere and spend my day doing the same chores over and over again. Morning sickness is killing me, and I have no support unless he is home. I miss him terribly.....I would rather be flat broke than in my current state.
ReplyDeleteWell not really because we tend to want to talk to them, miss them, we want that energy to flow continuously because that's the major impact that keeps the relationship or marriage going, and this actually happened to me. in my situation i have a 2 year old daughter when he used to take trips and i asked him why he was always away he acted like it wasn't a big deal, there was a time i called his work to find out he wasn't in and these happened more than twice, then i had someone tell me about Nikolareed377@gmail.com a certain computer engineer with degrees who i met with as he was in the states at that time, he helped me discover my husband's secret- i didn't want to do this at first but i thought of my daughter and happiness in our life so i did a check up on his device i only wanted to see his messages at that time until i got more information from nick telling me he's got more evidence for me i had his GPS, whatsapp and proof that he was involved in a past relationship before we met. I have no shame telling you my experience and i'm proud i confronted him with the help of his younger brother and he begged for my forgiveness and we're good, well i'm just saying we can check on our husbands if we feel something suspicious or negativity attached to it
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