Dump: In Person, Phone or Email?

Dear Jazzy,

I am in need of some advice and I was hoping you could help! I started online dating a few months ago and while it has been somewhat hit or miss, I was matched with a guy who looked great on paper. When we met in person though, I just did not feel a spark or a connection. As it was the first date, I wanted to be open-minded and thought it would be best to go out a few more times and get to know him better. We have since gone out on more dates and talked on the phone, but I still do not feel a connection. It has been hard to make and keep a conversation going and although we "matched" (in a database according to a standarized list of interests and surveys), I feel like we do not have that much in common. I should also mention there is a distance factor, he lives and works about an hour and half away so finding a place to meet in the middle has been hard. Also coordinating our work schedules has been difficult as well - he is off when I am working, I work when he is off and he travels frequently for his job.


So my question is…I do not really see this working out and I am now unsure how to end it. Is an email appropriate or should it be done over the phone or in person? I am afraid that in person and even on the phone I would be nervous and have a hard time getting my point across. I also do not know what to say - that I don't feel a connection or the distance/schedule factor? I have met someone else and we have hit it off great, but I do not know if that should even be brought up. Any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated!
- Boston Gal


Good Ol’ internet dating. I have a friend in a very similar situation. Being matched based on answering 25 generic questions, location and if you like cats or not. System is flawed, like most things.

Since your question was not about internet dating, I’ll leave it alone.

How do you say goodbye? Like you said, you can do this the easy way or the hard way. Doing it over email gives you the ability to avoid your own discomfort. It takes away from having to face that you are disappointing someone and no one wants that. It’ll be quick and easy. Honestly, I don’t think there’s that much wrong with this. Sounds like it’s been a short lived courtship and really if the conversation is that dry he might be thinning the same thing as you and maybe wishing he had an advice blog to write to and ask how to break it off :) haha

However, I actually suggest doing it the “hard” way. This won’t be the most difficult thing you have to do in life. Saying “goodbye” and “no” are basic skills needed in this lifetime. You’ll want to use them in many different and more difficult situations. Why not practice with someone that you don’t have feelings for; someone that might not even have feelings for you, thus making it easier than you suspect. It might prove to feel refreshing to talk to him about the reasons you don’t think it will work. Sometimes hearing yourself talk to someone also gives you clarity to your own thoughts and reasoning. You’ll learn how to deal with reactions that you might not be used to and ones that might take you by surprise. If you do this you’re also gaining respect from others as well as yourself.

Do I think you should go meet him and talk about this over dinner? No, doesn’t sound like the two of you were that serious. But I suggest trying it over the phone. Opening yourself up for a little awkward moment but realizing that it all it is. Stand firm. If he does shoot back that he was really interested in you (which he might, sometimes this is a true reaction and sometimes this is just someone who can’t deal with rejection so he will try to convince you not to leave him so soon) go with your gut and tell him you’re sorry, that you just don’t think it will work.

As far as what I think you should tell him, just be honest. It will leave you feeling good while also giving him due respect. Go with your gut and trust that he won’t fall apart if you break his heart, nor will you :)

Friends, do you think she should dump him via email, phone or in person?

~Jazzy~

Alone A Lot While Husband Travels

Dear Jazzy,

So my husband travels A LOT for work. I adore my husband and miss him like crazy when he is gone. I am almost 30 years old and have a 3 year old son that is with me all day (I am a stay at home mom) but when evening comes I just get so lonely.

Does anyone have good words of advice or suggestions on what to do to fill my time while he is away? I try my best to be really supportive of him because he is just working to provide for our family. I am just curious of how others have dealt with husbands/partners that travel?

Lonely Being Alone

Dearest Lonely Being Alone -

First of all, I don’t know how you do it. That’s enough to drive an insane woman to drink :)

But – in all seriousness,

Being a stay at home Mom while your husband travels can be limiting on your social life I’m sure. I don't know if you have the ability/money to find a sitter for one night a week but I would suggest even trying that. One night a week shared with others who hold the same interest as you would make a huge difference in your feelings of lonesome. You have to take time for yourself else resentment could set in and then even your best efforts of support will wean out and everyone will be miserable.

Assuming you can find some time to free yourself from the little one here are a couple of tips :

1. Ask yourself what your interests are. Do they involve others (i.e. playing a competitive sport or board   games) or do they further isolate you (gardening, scrapbooking or watching tv)?

a. If the answer involves others, then maybe go to your local gym and try to find people who want to play a game of tennis or ping pong with you, try looking for town sponsored softball games that you can join in on

b. If you enjoy activities that tend to be more solitary maybe you can start a focus group or an interest group on those subjects. Try starting a book club, that way you can do what you enjoy and share your experiences with others. There are plenty of websites you can Google on how to start book clubs in your local area. Try taking some sewing or cooking classes, you may develop some long lasting friendships through this. Leave your house at night and hit the yoga club down the street and after you’ve done your exercise ask a friend to grab a cup of coffee or even a beer!

2. Look around for Facebook, Meetup.com, or other social networking site Groups to help you find people in your area that share similar interests as you, or start your own.

If you find you can’t get a sitter you can always try to do these things at your own house. Nice days are coming and I’m sure if you did some local searches you might find other stay at home mothers who would love to get together (with or without the kids) and chat about common interests. You could have cookouts and wine tastings all while enjoying the company of others.

Most of all : It’s extremely important to make sure your needs are being met as well as your husband and child’s needs are. You can’t be the rock all the time it’s ok to admit you get lonely and it’s even more ok to do something about it.

What can some of my other friends who live a similar life offer this pseudo single mom during times her husband travels? What about some of you that just have fantastic ideas?

~Jazzy~

Sarcasm Misconstrued

Dear Jazzy,

So I am dating a great guy. We are the male/female equivalent of each other. Both sarcastic, both constantly lovingly making fun of each other. WE get it. However, his family apparently has not a humorous bone in their bodies because I am constantly being compared negatively to his Evil Ex-wife who berated and belittled him all the time. Now I never say anything mean, never am vindictive and the worst possible thing I call him, usually laughing is a Jackass (and usually when he is being one mind you). I was the one there for him and his kids through his divorce, I have been there for him and supporting him for years. So why the hell am I stuck having to defend myself or being asked to tone down who I am, and who he supposedly fell in love with, to his family because they don't have the intelligent where-with-all to understand sarcasm? - Not the Ex B*tch


Dear Miss B*tchy :)

Sarcasm is hard for most people to swallow. I think if you are on the same level it can be ok but I also think there is a fine line between fun sarcasm and a hidden truth in there.

Sometimes the best thing to do is figure out what is really going on. What is at the bottom of the issue. Maybe if you ask yourself, or hell even him, why his family is really sensitive to the sarcasm it can bring some clarity for you.

Perhaps his ex wife was super sarcastic. Maybe some of the things that you are sarcastic about are the same things he was overly sensitive about with his ex. But because he is confident you mean it in jest, he is completely fine with it. They could be concerned your sarcasm is triggering hurt feelings for him. Maybe this is a pattern that he and his ex started on and they are worried it’ll go down that road again.

Do I think that you shouldn’t worry about what they say? No, because it does matter. It’s his family, people are lying when they say it doesn’t. But I also think it’s his responsibility to make it clear to his family that you make him happy and that he is happy and fine with the sarcasm (have you had a heart to heat with him, is he infact ok with the level of sarcasm you share?). If he is the one asking you to tone it down, maybe the problem lies there and not with his family. Maybe his family is seeing things that you don’t. He could be trying to be tough for you out of fear that it emasculates him in your eyes if he says you are too sarcastic.

With sarcasm I say err on the side of caution as it can be misconstrued so many different ways. Honestly, I think having a heart to heart with him about it and asking him to “tone” his family’s fear down is a good start. If it’s your natural personality, he’s known that all along, I’m not so sure I’d say YOU need to tone it down.

Also – you say you were there for him through the divorce, supporting him for years, etc. do you think there is a possibility his family thinks you played a part in his previous relationship’s demise?

Friends, what do you think? Do you think our writer should tone down her sarcasm? Or do you think her man should ask her family to trust that he’s happy and ok with the sarcasm? Do you think it’s deeper than the sarcasm?

~Jazzy~

Only Good for Sex?

After a 5 hour commute home, I will do my best to address the below issue:


Dear Jazzy,

I've always considered myself to be the realist in a relationship. The person who knows things will change over time and that relationships are more than just physical attraction, or intelligent conversation, or emotions. It is a blending of it all. I've always valued all aspects of a relationship, however I always put sex on the back burner...until now that is. I love my girlfriend, I love making her laugh, laying with her, going out with her, talking to her, i love everything with her...but I find myself constantly wanting to have sex with her. I’ve been with her for a little more than a year. Doesn't matter where we are or what we are doing, she just emits such sexuality that I don't want to keep my hands off of her. How do I control this, or do I just let it flow? How do I let her know that I love all these different aspects of her and not just her physical features and sexuality?

Sexual Pirate

Ey mate, Sexual Pirate-

This is a tough topic to go over in a blog forum.

First – congrats for landing someone who can make you laugh and help you to be happy.

Second – How do we control sexual urges? Ew.. why would you want to? :) It’s not a bad thing that you have these feelings, embrace them.

Third – How do you know she doesn’t already know you love her for more than physical reasons? Just tell her?

Some concerns: Your two main questions are very conflicting. One says you can’t control your sexual urges but then the other says you want her to know you want more than sex. I think it’s time to find a balance.

In most cases, actions speak louder than words. An example:

Alot depends on how she likes to be loved by a person. I’d like to say – “ so just stop touching her and making it so physical all the time” but she might enjoy that and she might receive love that way. So I’d advise against this until you learn how she receives love (for example – through affirmation or physical touch). If she’s not pushing you away or avoiding you – this is a very good thing.

There’s a lot of moving parts here.

As far as Communicationg that you love more than her physical offerings: Since you are asking how to tell her you love her for more than physical reasons, I’m going to assume you told her you have these sexual urges and you are concerned she might think that’s all you want. Hmm... catch 22. I fully believe in 100% communication but I also think that we can over communicate. If you’ve communicated, the other person receives and accepts this information, there isn’t much need to beat a dead horse. There comes a point where trust can start to form and take its place in the relationship.

If the real concern is that you are worried she just thinks you want her for sex, then stop hounding her for it, be patient for a little while and release your energy somewhere else (like your own bedroom, alone of course). Communicate that you love her for all the other amazing things, focus on those, and see where it takes you.

As for harnessing your sexual urges: My suggestions to you - try to figure out your own needs before worrying about someone else’s. Like I tell someone very dear to me – put your oxygen tank on before you try to put someone else’s on.

Questions to ask yourself – are you being honest with yourself, do you really want more than sex? Or do you really just want more sex? Are you being honest with her? Are your needs being met? Are her needs being met? How important is sex to you/her?

Maybe these urges come from being excited or perhaps more importantly, maybe your needs aren’t being met. If you’ve always put sex on the back burner maybe it’s because your needs were being met and it was never something you needed to “think about”. OR maybe your needs are being met like they never have been before and you’re just “needing” more. That is very plausible too.

Most of all – relax. She might actually already know. Sometimes it doesn't need to be that difficult.

Friends, what do YOU think? Is our writer reading into things too much? Is he not attending to his own needs? Do we have enough information? Am I reading too much into this? lol

~Jazzy~

To Tell or Not To Tell?

Dear Jazzy,

So this past weekend, I had a little too much to drink and ended up sleeping with my brother's best friend. Now, I've known him since high school and we've partied many many times in the past with nothing like this happening. So, do I tell my brother about it or not and why? Second, why in the world would I do this? Yeah, that's a rhetorical question but I still had to throw it out there.

- Say It Isn’t So

Dear Say It Isn’t So,

Haha really though, do ;)

1. You dirty girl! 
2. Bad! 
3. DON’T TELL HIM.

I’d be willing to bet your brother’s friend is having the same thoughts as you. Wait I lied. I bet he’s thinking “God, please don’t let her tell him” . Having 2 brothers myself, I can only imagine that they’d never want to know what I do with guys in the first place, let alone their best friend. I can also bet that they’d be so disgusted with their friend that it just might end their friendship.

I find most men aren’t cool with their friends courting their sisters, just as much as they hate their friends sleeping with their ex girlfriends. Although I try not to generalize, this seems to be one of those situations in which it’s pretty safe to say, your brother won’t be happy. (Who knows though, maybe he’s more mature than most men I know and have read about, and he’d be willing to accept that you guys were having harmless fun).

I’d talk to his friend and come to a decision of whether to kiss and tell or keep it locked away and make sure you stick the same story. I don’t think you need to tell everyone everything. So if it was just a night of fun and you don’t feel attached to this guy and vice versa, maybe keep it your own dirty secret. Something you can laugh about and leave your brother guessing :)

Friends, What would you all do? Tell or not tell? Maybe there are some guys out here that are brothers and have been in this position (the receiving end) and can offer some advice.

 ~Jazzy~

Heavy Armor - Shielding from Love

Less a question, more a dilemma - that we all face.
 
Dear Jazzy

So there’s this girl right! I’ve always found her captivating and attractive and I think I had a chance one time to connect with her and totally blew it because I was scared that a connection might actually be possible. You see the thing I want most is also the thing I’m most terrified of: Love. Such a simple little word with so much more meaning than the complicated words. This armor I’ve been wearing to defend against this so called love is getting to heavy so I’m not wearing it anymore. So to summarize this I say bring it on I’m not scared and I want in on this whole love life thing that I’ve been avoiding.



Carpe Diem Knight in Heavy Armor! -

Put the artillery away, lower your shield, and show your face. The first step in accepting love is being willing to it. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. It’s going to hurt, but it won’t kill you.

You can get right in line with the millions of other people that are more terrified of love than death. Or you can stand up to it and finally attain what you say you want most.

To receive love you need to give love. To give love you need to love yourself. To love yourself you need to know and accept yourself. Be confident in who you are.

Sometimes we confuse loving someone with needing someone. If you feel comfortable and confident with whom you are: you learn to live on your own, you learn to survive alone, and feel good about this, then you might find it easier to open yourself up to the bigger picture. It feels less intense and less like you are taking a risk with no return.

Try not to put all your swords in one sheath (they probably won’t all fit in there anyway lol). Don’t let love be the only thing in your life. Keep friends, family, coworkers, strangers, at an arm’s length. Keep your own hobbies and interests all the while slowly building a relationship with someone you love. Try not to let this one love be the ONLY place you focus your energy.

You can love more than one person at a time. There are different loves. The love you feel for your mom might not be the same love you feel for your best friend. The love you feel for your animal won’t be the same love you feel for your brother. Allow yourself to love more than one so if it doesn’t work out, you have other places to focus your love.

Lastly, I fully believe – it’s a risk worth taking.

Friends, how can we help our Knight feel better about taking a risk of love ?

~Jazzy~

Used to be Jerry McWhat?? :)

We have found ourselves another anonymous letter.... without salutation or closure. I'll call you what I want.


Dear Jazzy,

I find myself in unusual territory - a rut. There was a time when I was like Jerry McGuire and always with someone...though I hope not the same fear of being alone. But it's been over a year now since I've had someone significant in my life. There was someone I have been interested in for years and was waiting for the right moment, but recently learned she's with someone. Then there was someone I had begun getting involved with, and she told me that she's back to having sex with some guy on the side. So I know I need to go out and meet new people, but don't really have a social circle anymore, don't drink, and don't really have a clue where to find and meet someone. Any recommendations? Thanks for taking the time to consider my current dilemma.


Dearest Jerry McWannabe -

I hear you loud and clear. This is a common subject for most singles these days. Seems all our friends are married and having kids.

Let me make a few suggestions and see if anyone else has anything to say.
1. Try finding some social groups that share the same interests as you. There are plenty of activity group websites that you could google that will help you get the ball rolling. One being Meetup.com, I've found it useful.

2. Try finding an interest that women might share with you or that you might share with them. Seeing that you didn’t really spell out what some of your interests are I can’t really help you here. For example, if you are only going to the batting cages you’re odds of finding a woman might be slim. But if you hit a yoga class every Saturday I’m sure you’d spark some interest there. It’s almost spring time, a lot of women love to plant in their gardens, maybe taking a trip on over there to help some of them pack their cars full of flowers (just please don’t be cheesey and pull one out to insert between your teeth, just not sexy at all) . Maybe hitting a coffee shop in the early morning hours (maybe after yoga?) and buying the woman who grabs your attention a cup o joe or tea.

3. Try expanding your own interests and finding new things that you enjoy doing, reading, watching, eating, etc. Sometimes we don’t find what we are looking for because we aren’t doing anything different.

4. Have you tried online dating? Sites like – Match.com, True.com, eHarmoney (careful though, I heard they reject very likable people lol), or plentyoffish.com might be worth trying out.

Since you aren’t complaining about the type of women you do meet, I won’t go into asking if you are really looking for the kind that suits you best. But be sure to be honest with yourself with the kind of women you are looking for, maybe establishing upfront that she is both physically and emotionally available.

Single or Married ladies, gents, do you have any other suggestions for Mr. McWannabe? Please do share.

~Jazzy~

Dreaming of A Past Lover

Alright! I got quite a few letters to get this blog going.


I have sifted through all of them. All legit good questions. But I chose this question below as a first to keep it pretty general and light for starters. I encourage you all to share your point of views (as much as you can given the lack of detail).

Writer asks –

Dear Jazzy,

How do I stop having dreams about a past relationship when I have been married for years????”


Since he/she didn’t leave a “name”, we will call him/her “Dreamer”




Dearest "Dreamer"

You stop thinking about them. :)

This is a hard question as you don’t really tell us what kind of dreams they are. Good, bad, warm, cold?

In our hearts we tell ourselves we are over our past relationships, we are no longer thinking about this person but in reality, if you ever really loved someone I’m not sure you ever really get over that love you had.

Do I think you are still in love with your ex? No, not necessarily. But do I think you still harbor some sort of “feelings” for this person? Perhaps you do. Be it, the loss of a friendship with that person, resentment, general concern, confusion as to why it really never worked out, SOMETHING is there. Something is sitting in your heart and the back of your mind.

Maybe you are questioning if your marriage is the right fit for you? What if you married this other person? What really happened in this past relationship? Does this other person think of you ever? Was it all really a waste of time? Maybe you’re finally coming to terms that this old relationship really is over.

It’s hard to give solid answers (although, I’m not sure anyone really could, since we don’t really know how to stop having dreams) since this is pretty vague but perhaps you can connect with this person and find out what it is that is eating you. I’ve noticed once I reconnect with an old flame (be it over the internet, in passing, on the phone, face to face) those answers come to fruition pretty immediate and I can then sleep soundly. Maybe you just need to reconfirm you’ve made the right choice.

Don’t beat yourself up over it, it’s life, it’s real. You are normal.

Friends and readers, what do you think? How can Dreamer stop these sleeping thoughts?

~Jazzy~

Coming Soon - Advice Forum

Hello friends! I am waiting for your questions...

I'm trying a new blog out. I got this idea from a blog I participate on but have added a little twist to it (oh and I also think I'll be better at it lol).

I'd like to offer general life advice (this can range from relationships, dating, friendships to mental health and awareness, general etiquate, etc.) to anonymous letter writers (you) and open it up to commentators (also you) for their feedback.
This will be entirely up to you for this to work.

There is a section for members to chat and a section for comments re:the letter writer.

Please submit your anonymous letter to godzillis@gmail.com.
Please feel free to forward on.

This is for men and women alike. Don't be shy :)

~Jazzy~